When Your Doctor Says, "No More Babies."


I ORIGINALLY WROTE THIS POST JUST OVER A YEAR AGO. IT STILL RESONATES WITH ME MORE THAN EVER, AND I DON'T WANT IT FORGOTTEN IN THE RECESSES OF MY BLOG'S PAGES. I HOPE IT ENCOURAGES SOMEONE STRUGGLING LIKE ME. I HAVE ADDED SOME MORE THOUGHTS BELOW. SEE THE ORIGINAL POST HERE.

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Our baby girl is almost three and it took this long for us to decide that we would try for another one.

Why Only Two Kidlets So Far


Our two munchkins are 16-months apart, and both pregnancies were not easy. The most pressing concern were the blood clots I got. I only had one with Josiah's pregnancy, around 32 weeks along and which, with some cream, went away. Then, in Rosalie's pregnancy, from the late second-trimester and within a two-week period, I developed nine blood clots in my legs.

It was really frightening. None of them were deep vein ones, but all very painful and would develop with very little cause. One time, I had an hour's nap on the bed, lying on my side and, on the inside leg that was lying on the bed, two blood clots grew. In just an hour.

They were painful and doctors pretty quickly put me on blood thinners. I was monitored for the rest of my pregnancy, especially when preterm labour started around 34 weeks. It was a very trying time and, when she finally came out at 40 +4 weeks, my frist words were, "It's over!"

And I didn't mean the labour! ;)

With all this and keeping an eye on my anxiety levels post-partum, the thought of having any more children made me want to shrivel up and leave my body. I love my children, I love motherhood. But I couldn't face all that again.

And then.

Changing


The Lord, I believe, changed my heart. My perspective changed on parenting and children. I could see a bigger picture that was beyond myself and the discomforts and the fear. I could see the risk was worth it. The desire to nurture and raise another wee arrow took hold on me.

It took almost three years, but particularly the last year, I began to think that I could do it all again. Just maybe. When my husband was on board and we had pysched ourselves up to the journey, I went to check with my doctor for the go-ahead.

And he said, "No."




No More Babies


I felt pretty disappointed really. It felt like quite a let down after all the build up to even making that decision - and then, that squeeze of the heart that I would never get to hold a little baby that was distinctly ours. All in a moment, the possibility, gone. It was a let down, a sense of disappointment in my own fallen body that just can't.

But I accept it, readily. I believe in my doctor, I trust him and, more importantly, I trust in Him whom I had asked for guidance and confirmation before I went to that appointment.

In this instance, there was no right or wrong in choosing to have another baby. My doctor said, "If you really, really, really, really want another one we could somehow manage it, but..."

The risk is too great. The risk of blood clots and the worst - death - to suffering - an aneurism. He looked at me gently and said, "If you got pregnant and something happened, I would kill myself for the rest of my life that I didn't encourage you enough not to." I have two beautiful children who need a mother, and a husband who needs his wife.

So, the decision is made. No more natural babies.


Where to Now?


Why did God change my heart only to have it disappointed? I can't say for certain - for who knows the mind of the Lord? - but I know I am in a better place now than before. Instead of not wanting more children, I just can't. Instead of fearing a dangerous pregnancy, I accept it. Instead of always wondering, "What if?" I now know the cannot.

There is peace when a door is closed. But only if I submit my heart and will to Him who loves me and has other good works for me to do.

We have thought of other options, and maybe. Just maybe. But even if not, the work God has done in my heart is beautiful and I'm thankful to Him who knew what fear and - in honesty - selfishness were ruling my heart towards fertility. Now, because of His grace, wisdom is ruling us. 


Hope in Him


So if this is you too, I want to give you a hug. It's not easy. We don't like disappointment, or pain, or our own plans being turned down. But God loves you and has a reason why you can't - whether because of your fallen, broken body or for other reasons - that goes beyond the temporary. His "No" always leads to a better "Yes". Just submit and trust Him who died for you.


UPDATE: A YEAR ON, I HAVE FOUND IT TO BE HARDER TO ACCEPT THAN WHEN I FIRST RECEIVED MY DOCTOR'S ADVICE. MORE BABIES HAVE BEEN BORN, OR ARE ON THEIR WAY, AMONG DEAR FRIENDS, AND IT ISN'T EASY. AT 32, I KNOW I HAVE MORE BABY-BEARING YEARS AHEAD OF ME AND I FEEL, IN ALL HONESTY, BARREN. 

YET, MY TRUST IN HIM HAS NOT WAVERED. OUR TWO LITTLE ONES, NOW FIVE AND FOUR (IN A MONTH) ARE SUCH A BLESSING AND I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE THEM. IT IS HARD WHEN THEY ASK FOR A BABY BROTHER OR SISTER, AND THERE ARE TIMES WHEN THE LACK IS A DISTINCT ACHE OF THE HEART. YET, HE IS THE FULFILLMENT OF MY HEART, AND WHAT I HAVE IN MY HANDS NOW IS GOOD. SO VERY GOOD.

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8 comments:

  1. I was also told no more babies after my third child and I was initially sad. It took time but I have accepted it. I'm glad you are happy with your family.

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    1. Thank you, Wrae! It is definitely a process of time and trusting the Lord.

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  2. Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry to hear about your disappointment. But can I tell you why I love this post and your heart? Because you shared this struggle honestly, in the midst of it, without some huge spiritualized lesson attached to it. You shared your pain even before this issue was resolved. You simply poured out your pain and then brought it all back to trusting God anyway, even when you don't know how it will all work out. So many times, other writers share a difficult circumstance they went through but only as a lead in to some huge spiritual lesson they want to teach others. And that's great and all. But your post is more like reading the Psalms, crying out in the midst of the pain, not knowing where it will all end yet, not trying to turn it all into a teachable moment for others, but choosing to trust God anyway and reminding yourself of who He is and what He can do. It was refreshing to read. Like talking with your readers instead of at them. Thank you. (I'm over at https://mycrazyfaith.blogspot.com. I try to pour out the honest pain too, and then bring it all back to trusting in God even when it's all confusing and it all hurts.) God bless. -Heather

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    1. Wow, Heather, what a really kind and encouraging comment. This was so lovely to wake up to this morning! I know exactly what you mean and, I have to be honest, I definitely have done that before (I think it is easy to). But, I have felt convicted of that mentality and have been trying to move away from telling and instead, sharing. So many things are ongoing in our lives. Even when we do learn something about a situation, it is still undone - and we usually continue learning and maturing long after we think we 'conquered' that particular issue or situation. Thank you, Heather, what a blessing this comment is. I am coming over now to say 'hi'!

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  3. Praying for you as I read through this post... and so many others who this will resonate with! Thanks for sharing so gracefully and honestly!

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    1. Thank you Karrile, I really hope this connects with other women in need, too!

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  4. The grace and trust that you handled this with is inspiring. I don't know if I could do the same. My husband and I struggled for 3 years to get on the same page about having another baby. He didn't want one, and I felt her absence every day of my life. It was a difficult time. I'm praying for your momma heart and for peace. Thank you for sharing with us at #LiveLifeWell and always pointing back to the goodness of God.

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    1. Jessica, you are so kind...it isn't an easy and there have definitely been times when I have really struggled. But it's the whole being joyful and content in all situations, isn't it? The whole 'trust and obey'....

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